Words Don't Seem to Be Enough.

I'm good with words. Words motivate me, they help with a bit of the edge and sometimes they even give me hope of things to come but they don't change anything. This notion is like a reel of film, an hour of blank footage with a note at the end: words can't change a thing, only you can. I like to think I can, change that is, but whenever confrontation comes to mind I just see myself dead. My counselor explained that people with BPD don't nessicarily have a death wish when they are "suicidal" that they rather have confrontation issues and the best permenant way to cope is through not existing. It is merely an irrational form of avoidance in many cases. I can see this, cause I don't want to die, and I never would really try to kill myself. But still to this day, when an issue dares to look me in the eye, my first thought is "death".

I feel like I am a constant passanger, climbing on and off of trains of motivation. Some days I get on a train and I can feel the wind in my hair, feel the energy pump through my frame as faith and strength are soaked through my skin like uv rays. Other days no train comes, and even more often are days when I get on a wrong train - one that drags me along slowly showing me all the things in my life that could have been worse and instead of bringing me a gasp of enthusiasm to change my life, it leaves me breathless. How selfish am I to be bitter towards life when I have it so well.

I keep thinking to myself, "No. I don't have a disorder, and if I do - it does not change who I am. I define who I am and I am the stronger one." But then that moment comes, when I have to prove I am the stronger one, the braver - and I can't seem to pry myself from bed. I am so scared that all I can do is behave like a child scared of the imaginary monster beneath her bed. So I'd hide under my covers, crying and wishing I would either wake up or my father would come in and scare the monster away. How childishly absurd and irrational fear can be.