An Emotional Mess.

I haven't written in awhile but not because nothing has happened but on the contrary... Today is an emotional mountain that I am struggling to climb. Just looking at the peak, I can't understand how it is I am supposed to make it there. It's like the vanishing point on the horizon, or the tiny pinhole of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I'm the type of person who hides in the closet to cry, crying even in front of my family is hard for me. Unless I am sitting in a dark theatre, or in my own solitude, I try not to cry. Sometimes this even hurts, feeling the lump swell in my throat, burning to find an exit but being forced down from where it rose. I don't understand this irrational fear of showing my emotions, nor do I understand why I feel shame and disgust when I do cry, whether in private or public. All I know is I do, and the past two days, I've been crying uncontrollably.

Jackson died. I never mentioned this before but my best friend's cousin was hit by a truck driven by a 20 year old gentleman. Jackson was declared brain dead saturday and was taken off of life support on Sunday to return to his Heavenly Father. And all I could think of was how lucky he was, to know that he was sealed to his family and they would be together one day as a family again. How comforting that must be. It made me think of my brother and sister who also came to earth for bodies, but they never had the chance to touch the lifes of others like Jackson did. I never really even knew Jackson, but I believe pictures do have the ability to capture a fragment of the soul in time, and in every picture this five year old boy had an ear to ear grin. He loved life and all those around him were unable to be touched by his joy and love. The 20 year old gentleman was not speeding, under any influences, or anything, he just didn't see Jackson until he ran out from between two parked cars, directly in front of him. I feel the worst for him, because he will have to deal with that for the rest of his life. Even though it wasn't his fault, I can't even imagine what he must be going through, especially not knowing our eternal perspective. I can see my brother and sister in Jackson - their laughter and smiles - their enthusiasm to live and love and I wish I had known them. It's funny how you can love and miss something you never knew or had. Oh how I wish that I had an older brother to go to when times were rough, or a baby sister to teach the ways of life.

This morning didn't help matters as last night I dreamt of Jesse. He still isn't speaking to me, but in my dream he gave me a long tight hug and said he missed me too. It seems unfair that dreams are dreams, and they hold no weight in the soberness of conciousness. For the comfort I felt in my dream has fled, and I feel empty again. I hope it goes away soon.