Progress, but is it Enough?

A constant thought that lingers like musk and never seems to be completely gone is, "I'm making Progress. . . But is it Enough?"

As I am in the shower thid morning (4 am) scrubbing my body I notice my toes need either a touch up with the purple nail polish I so passionately hate or a completely new polishing, however I remember that I haven't shaved my legs or plucked my eyebrows so I immediately decide it would be dumb to paint my toe nails. *Rereads and sighs* The next thought that comes to mind is, "I really need to change this, All or Nothing attitude!"

I am a Very positive person when it comes to anyone else - but when it comes to me things are Very Different. It is almost as if when I see other people I see vibrant, beautiful colors and just . . . energy, passion, brightness! - but when I look in any reflection of myself all I see is black in white: the things I hate and the things I love with no gray-in-between the two extremes. I realize that this causes alot of problems for me, but how does one quit something so unconcious as how they precieve life?

I guess my purpose now is to define the answer to that question.

Just brainstorming off the top of my head, I should list all the positive things that happen each day and how (if need be) I turned the day around or made it a good day. This should eventually cause me to think of the positive things that happened through-out each day rather than my instinctive negetive outlook. *Smiles* Yeah, that ought to do the trick. XD

So on a much more positive note: I have finally started volunteering.

I went just last night for my first time and volunteering downtown at the homeless shelter for children and helped out with a casual movie night. It felt great to be out of the house and even more so to be helping improve the days of those who are less fortunate than myself. I have also started a group on FB called, "The Children Come First", in which I will be posting up events that involve volunteering with children. XD I am very excited about this new development in my life.

I am trying very hard to improve myself each day and something I have been working on is doing things alone, and even though I knew that I would know at least one person at this volunteering event I went! And alone! I craved to call up Ashley and ask her to come with as she usually does to anything church related or just a good cause but I refrained as I need to build myself up and when I am with her I cling to her for dear life. *Sighs* It's going to be hard on me when she leaves for her mission. Hopefully by then I will have many more friends in the Singles Ward and they will keep me moving on the right path. XD.

I was also supposed to go hiking this morning. I had originally said I wasn't interested because the weather report and also the idea of "hiking". Haha. But Jaclyn (the same woman who has lovingly coaxed me into volunteering) being the wonderful person she is encouraged me to join them. She basically said she didn't care if I just came to take pictures and didn't hike much, that they would love my company. That made me melt inside, that someone wanted me there for my company and they didn't care if I slowed them down. I've always been so scared of coming in last, or not being good at things or dragging other people behind - but I forget that the people from church are so different. They are like family. *Wipes away tears*

Anyways, I really got psyched up about the hike - set everything aside, cleared off my memory card and charged my camera battery, got together my clothes and tennis shoes and even went to bed a bit early but when I woke I felt like someone had taken a crow bar to my body all while I was asleep. Eventually, around like 5 pm I started feeling better (of course this was after phentermine and 4 vicodins) and even motivated to clean and so I did. Cleaned the kitchen and washed my laundry and later went over to Sherri's with Jesse and played Hand and Foot. This was the highlight of today. Afterwards me and Sherri talked, really talked.

Sherri is a wonderful woman, who is currently filing for a divorce and has five children but only has two living with her, and when I talk to her I feel like she actually listens. She hears me and she doesn't judge. She gives me feedback and reacts to what I am saying and I am not self-concious to tell her the truth. She takes all of me and loves it. Very few am I able to open up to like that.

Ashley recently brought to my attention that I need to get my butt back to church - I know she is right, I feel it in every fiber of my being but I also feel dread. I should know by now that the things I am worried others will think are my projections of what I feel and think. She's back, again. Wonder how long this time before she falls away? She isn't worthy to be here. . . is she even trying? Is she LDS? Does she have a testimony? Just writing them seems dumb as I see the faces of my beloved church family appear in my mind's eye. It's easy to see, here and now, that they are my own fears and harsh judgements on myself that are finding a way to surface. Which comes back around to, "I am making Progress. . . But is it Enough?"

It's hard to believe I will ever be ready to be in a relationship let alone married. I have so, so so so much baggage. I am constantly working on myself and yet I am never anywhere close to done. I suppose most are thinking, "Well yeah, duh, it's called 'Life'!" But there is a difference. I struggle everyday to be content with being alone, to control this newly founded anger, to not scream and cry when I am frusterated, to not have panic attacks, to not slip into old self-destructive patterns. . . The list goes on and on and on. *Sighs* I think I am just ranting right now. When I started this post I had a clear outline of what was to be said but I've been writing for over an hour now and things are no longer straight in my head. all that is left is feelings.

Mom is going through something and - "I of all people should be understanding of that", as my father had put it. She chose the baby over me, again and again, I felt replaced. She loves that child that is not hers so much but she isn't me and she isn't hers. She told me we would spend time together, all three of us (her, the baby and me) but instead she was at a play date all day and when she got home she was angry with me - because I was angry at her for lying to me and making me wait all day for her to spend some time with me but instead she stayed out all day with the baby. She is so blind! She doesn't seem to see how I crumble when she looks at that child, how much I want her affection like that.

When that baby is around she wants to go out and do things and be somewhere, just like when her mother was alive. But when it comes to me and even my sister, she rarely has the time or "will power" to overcome the pain of her body. She always says she will come, but rarely does. Dad is the responsible one, always picking up her slack and comforting her. I should be more understanding and in some ways I am angry at myself for not being more kind, more gentle, more loving towards my own mother but in other ways I am angry at her for not seeing through me. I am her child, I love her and I need her to love me, to be strong for me, to show me that she cares and is there for me.

I understand the circumstances that existed when I was growing up, I do not blame her for the things I am enduring now because of my upbringing - but if she continues to remain distant and aloof to me and my sister, does that makes her a bad mother? It seems almost as if she loves my grandmother more than me. She loves the baby more than me. She loves her family more than my father. . .

"I am making Progress. . . But is it Enough?"

Will I Ever have a good, strong relationship with my mother? With my sister? With my father?

I was born from a strong root but born on a withering branch of that tree, and as a leaf I merely knew my family from a distance, as I said my goodbyes and drifted into the breeze alone. The things I have ednured and the things I will endure shade me a beautiful emerald green but they leave my edges wilted and sore and I fear I shall shrivel and dry up without ever seeing my family reunite.