Him and Him

There is always a bubble of concern inside of me, but as I watch you sit outside and smoke alone, not drunk, I feel it grow and fill me. I can't lose you, I refuse to live through it again. I worry everytime you speak of the devil as a friend, will you leave me again for him? You say he has no weight in your life and yet he still comes and goes as he pleases. He lingers like a fog that blinds all who walk into its haze. I wish you could see what I see, but maybe then not. What else would I lose for your sudden vision.

To dannielle: I need to prove my love to your feet! I only said that I dislike 1/1000 of your toe and that is the nail polish! Haha.

It doesn't seem right, how loud my mind hums with the thousands of tiny details I am trying to hold onto and not forget so that I may record them in some form. "Me: Don't Dance! Ashley and Me yelling: We're going to die!" I prefer my head in the sand. I beg for ways to keep track of all the things screaming inside my head and everytime I find somewhere to write them down there is an ironic deafness that occurs. I know that inside I am still screaming but when I try to hear it, really hear it, I get the tip of the tongue feeling - so close, nearly have it but can't remember it. I also realized as I came and sat down on my bed that I still have a candle lit, one I usually don't light that is off in a corner of the room, is lit and probably has been since my friend was over four days ago? Naw, I would have noticed it. Hmm. Odd, very odd. I didn't notice it earlier even, when we sat in the "fake" dark. Parts of me feel so mature and ready for the next part of life, but the core pieces of me are undeveloped. I have the accessories but no foundation. It sucks. I need to find order, consistency, follow-through. Just realized I hurt Jesse. Never good to realize you assumed someone was joking when they were trying to express how they felt.

Avatar.

I should be able to shake off these feelings but they cloud my mind and rip at my heart. Sorrow. Doom. Hopelessness. Doubt. They are merciless leeches, draining me of my spirit and stealing the warmth from my skin. I feel as if I am shrinking in size, shriveling up with wasted ideas and thoughts. I am a well deeply running with the concentrated waters of candy coated words of dreams that I have every intention of doing but never do. I am inconsistent, and have no follow-through. I have every good intention but I intend to do so many good things that I overwhelm myself with these things, to the point where they are nothing more than toxic bubbles filled with anxiety. There is more but I am too tired to continue. Sorry.

Enlightening Night Vibes.

My skin becomes alive,
pulsing with information,
testures, tempatures, pressures,
Every tendon, ligament, bunch of muscles
is suddenly sensitive, seperate, unqique to my senses,
I can feel like string up to my brain and touch each thousandth nerve,
My brain is becoming a switch board,
like the night light glow of the city on the way back from the later,
each vessel of light a seperate shade, a unique brilliance, a varying pulse,
So beautiful you're eyes usually can't appreciate all the details,
but now, ahh, you're eyes have finally been opened, the tint has been enlightened, finally everything is vivid and novel,
Things have become much simpler,
There is no such thing as reason,
the information comes in pulses, throbs of digits coursing through and into my body,
time is slowing, nearly putty in my hands, quickening and halting to my heart's desire,
I am like superman, able to shoot through the sky, to have super human sight, fight, strength and flight,
I leave for scissors, tattoos, want them all over me, want to cover up my past, blacken it out with pretty little lies in pinks and blues, hearts and furs,
Side step, stide step, Step side, pull, twist, side step, turn around, back back, close, spin 'round, step left, curtsied and pull open the door,
(AHHHHHH the angels sing as the brilliance burns my eyes, widely painful and yet in awe. Pepsi - Im excited, Milk, coffee, yumm. Kelloggs! I had forgotton how splendid the Kelloggs brand cereals were! Krispy Rice - popping little rocks, dense but not nessicarily void, crunchy and soft and yum yum yum. Frosted Flakes - crunchy, very cruchy, crisp, loud crunch CRUNCH. Apple Jacks, I swear the best food ever -Crunchy, coated with a bit of milky sugar, then cinnamon then apple, then crispy stalks of sweet apple chunks. I even mixed all three and it was amazing! Honey Maid Graham crackers were also delicous. Ended up taking onion rings , crunchy, greasy, crisp, cold, onion rings left over from my mother's lunch from Denny's 4 hours prior. It was delicious.
Picked up all the food I wanted for next time and carried them away. Step, step push, Turn, step forward side forward side 90 degree turn, steop turn, stop turn, spin spin, arm twists, sweeping wrists, vines then lotus hand signals, open door, dance around bed and then collapse.
Ranch and Buffalo sauce in four servings dipped in different orders, different rations, and different times, different potancies,
My tongue can only taste certain things,
but as I caress the rood of my mouth with the flavors I feel all my glands explode, like fireworks of information burst into the night sky,
Its violent, its isionary, it is majestic in the way I know every one of them,
as if they were my best friends, loyal and loveable children,
I don't want to forget this, dont want to part from my hi,
I am sad it's come to this.
Can't believe the anxiety pills were off thirty minutes after I've taken them,
feel the anxiety, the dread, sneak in through the cracks in the walls,
Its like the heat of a breath during the winter seeping through a hankercheif,
I need to close my eyes before it is too strong to find sleep. Farewell.

Anger

I've recently begun uncoding the anger inside of me. It astonishes me at times just how angry I become and for what silly reasons. I usually am a laid back character but the more I dig into myself to understand what has laid dormant for years, the more I realize how unresolved I am. Just now, my computer won't let me edit my own pictures - I am admin, I am the user and it pisses me off that I can't edit them. I tried saving them in paint, using a different editor, etc and I cannot edit them. I want to throw my laptop and scream. Very unusual for me. What is even more unfamiliar is how strong the pull of that emotion is. I imagine it is much like the lure of a Siren's song to a sailor. *Smiles* I withstand it on instinct, but everything in me wants to give myself over to it. . . especially if it means relief.

I am angry because I can't paint my fingernails and not smear it. I am angry because everyone keeps saying they want to hang out with me and then ditch me. I am angry because my computer won't let me edit those damn pictures. I am angry because my computer is slow and frequently has to reboot programs. I am angry because the children I am watching can't communicate with me and I don't understand what they need. I am angry because I am not good enough.

I see others around me at these high points in their life: successful, loved, well-established. And where am I? I have a to do list longer than 10 pages, a wish list that's even longer and to my name I hold no achievements, degrees, or rewards. *Sighs* And this was my attempt at a "happy go-lucky" blog. Maybe I should change my goal with this blog. A release, a defining, a regulation of myself - that is what is to be expected from now on.

The Mommy Chronicles.

I'd been asked by one of my best friends if I would watch her two year old girl, Delila and her four year old boy, Cody from Tuesday to Saturday while she went to her daughters graduation (an older daughter from a previous marriage who is living with her father in a different state). I of course agreed as I love her and her darling children.

Her son is probably the hardest of the two as he doesn't talk well (he mumbles under his breathe and can't pronouncate very well) and when I don't do what he is asking me to do or understand him he gets angry and starts screaming, crying and kicking/throwing objects near by (sometimes even his sister). I personally think he has mild autism in addition to his already diagnosed ADHD. Disiplining him is hard, because he can't communicate very well to show me he understands why I reacted like I did and this worries me. . . if he doesn't understand than in his eyes I just randomly go off on a handle.

On one hand, I do not want them to be spoiled and connect that being violent, getting hurt or doing the wrong thing gets them attention but at the same time I don't want to be distant emotionally to them and ignore them when they do need me but where is that line? I grew up in a loving family but through my eyes I was neglected emotionally but I don't nessicarily connect that directly to my parents as the more I pick at myself I come to realize my concept of "love" is different than most. Love to me is constant contact (holding hands, sitting side by side, hugs, etc.) or one on one full on attention. I can be sitting in a room with people and feel alone easily. It is something that is outside of my control which angers me - I want to be able to have some control over my moods. That's understandable - I think.

When I am alone, I feel unloved, empty and desperate for attention. I feel as if I could disappear and no one would notice or care, and that makes it hard on me and those who do love me. How do they show me that they love me without rendering themselves to my irrational measures of "love"? I have only recently explained to my father about why I don't ever feel loved. I think this time he understood. I explained when I am around people I feel happy, content, loved and I become this thriving bubble of energy and laughter and excitement, but as soon as I step out of that room that person shrivels up and dread fills me up. I spend most of my days trying to find companionship. People don't understand and try to help me see that being alone is not horrible, but to me it is. I am not even content to be alone, being alone is like an instant depression for me. Again, this makes me angry because at this point in time, it is still out of my hands.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

My grandmother gave me a serenity bracelet years ago but it is only now that I am starting to comprehend the lesson behind the words. Grrr. My Y key keeps not working and I have to keep going back and putting in the Y's. *Laughs* You wanted to know that, right? XD

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So, the reason this post is called, "The Mommy Chronicles" is because of these tiny thoughts I kept having throughout my days watching my best friend's children, and here they are:

Sometimes childrens' shoes are alot like childrens' faces: just take a wet wipe to them and they will be like new!

There are solemon moments a mother gets to herself: after the children have gone to bed and been heavily dosed with the Sandman's sleeping dust (both have to occur in order for her to have alone time, and sometimes the latter is after my own bedtime so if you see the Sandman, let him know I am looking for him! XD) or when she showers, in which case she locks the door, blasts the radio and pretends she doesn't hear objects crashing downstairs, a child body slamming the bathroom door and her name being whined like a broken record.

Being a mommy, is being completely selfless, patient and devouted, which is also known as getting two more rounds of toast while some of your food burns while the other get's cold and soggy, getting up to get drinks after you just sat down with your food, watching cartoons and disney most of the day or a movie on repeat for an entire day or laying in the child's bed and rubbing their back until they fall asleep.

Being a mommy is freakin' hard, but each moment is so sweet and simple. When I stop and think of it, the children are primal, they cry because they feel imbalanced emotionally, the act on their anger for not being able to communicate with me, they cling to me for warmth and love and they find ways to show me that they understand me, love me and are trying to obey me - that's all I need. I love them so much. I hope my mommy days are soon.

Blog Idea: My Journey As A Lotus

The Lotus is a beautiful flower that starts its life in the deep darkness beneath the muddy bottom of a pond. As it grows it slowly searches for light at the surface of the pond. Once it surfaces, it blooms and this is often symbolised as a person's spiritual birth and their previous struggle through life.