As I am packing my clothes to go to Utah, I find myself realizing just how defined I am by Jesse. I see him in everything: songs we've shared in times of sorrow, songs I've dedicated to him or us, gifts he's given me (this years gift was my bathing suit, though my birthday is still a few days away he bought it for me over a month ago), things I used to do with him (rearrange my room), episodes I'd save to watch with him (Whale Wars), photos (he is nearly 50% of my pictures on FB). . .
I have denied it all the time he's been ignoring me, assuming that eventually it would subdue but every corner I round I find myself deeper in sorrow. Even though I am angry at him for this isolation, unexplained at that, every word I send him is gentle, pleading. I thought I was beyond this, co-dependency is the last thing I need, and even though I know this could be my chance to turn my back and finally escape this relationship without it being me that ends it I find myself remembering him standing outside my window, pleading with me to forgive him. I know I need to change and it is very hard to do with him in my life as he is a back door into a life I am trying to leave, but everytime I think of leaving him I have anxiety. Anxiety which is very violent and vivid, unescapable even - it is very real as has been my denial.
My name is Amber Fennell and I am co-dependent on Jesse. I love him and would give my life for him. I also hate him for abandoning me with no explaination. I feel like a child wandering around a giant, foreign world trying to understand why my only guidance would hide from me. I know he cares, but I feel that the love he has for me is a needle point of the great quilt of love I have for him. So many great memories. . . So much history. . . Too much sadness, now. . .
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