Can't Ignore It. . . The Demon Wins.

I feel like I have a demon trapped inside of me, claws raking over my insides and I can feel the blood pooling inside - it's heavy and the pressure of it scares me. I feel like I am drowning in myself, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I'm trying so hard to ignore this demon but it's like trying to ignore a child screaming and trashing at your feet. I love him, I hate him, Why would he do this to me? Maybe he just needs space. No, I don't deserve to be treated this way. Maybe I did do something wrong. Ahhh!

My black and white mind can't decide if he is black or white, evil or good. It has been nearly an entire week since He has contacted me. I have FBed him, texted, called, left voice messages, even showed up at his house and he plays it like I am invisible. A part of me wants to scream and throw myself into walls as I am going crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong. However the other part of me has more sense, knows that I did nothing wrong and wonders if he just needs time but he wouldn't drag me through hell if he knew he was causing me pain would he? Well, he does know I am in pain so that's out. He is dragging me through hell and he knows it.

I sometimes wonder if I am just a toy for him to play with, drag around in the mud and watch as I scramble to forgive him for something I didn't do. He knows I have not the will or desire to leave his side and this allows for his inhuman ways to deal with his tantrums. A real person would tell the other person if they had issues, but he isn't man enough to confront me and tell it to my face. I am going crazy trying to figure out what I could have possibly done to upset him, I've apoligized time and time again and yet nothing. And during all this, I have not bad mouthed him, have tried to keep my cool, be nice, pretend like he isn't ignoring me but damnit! The demon is surfacing, the mask is shredded, these are the eyes of desperate rage and confusion.

I have not brought any of his friend's into this to try and figure out how I've wronged him but I can't stand what he is doing to me! It is cruel and it angers me that he has this power over me! I know, somewhere deep down inside, I would lay my life down for him and he has been there in my dark hours and I in his, but if he can stand to hurt me and know he is doing so than why do I stay with him? Why do I feel my internal demon scream and cry out in agony as it tries to escape from inside me to be with him? Because I love the bastard, and even though he only says so when he is filthy drunk - he loves me in some small way too. But sober, he can be a heartless, cold, inhuman son-of-a-b****. (But his mother is really nice actually.)

I'd almost be worried about posting this, actually I am a bit, but this is in raw how I am feeling right now. Betrayed, unloved, used. . . but no one I know personally reads this other than one or two who I am okay with knowing about this - otherwise, this is private. Please keep your readings to yourself.