Moments in Time.

I haven't wrote here in a while - funny, how the neccesity to continually monitor and record your emotional status goes out the window the moment things turn for the better. I've been good - clean, sober, even free from previous dependencies on Jesse and other friends in the same social circle that were as I called them, "backdoors into my past life". Church has brought me more joy that I could record here. It has brought me back to my family, brought my family together as one, and has enlightened me in many ways. I AM happy now, I AM content and I feel now the desire more than ever to improve who I am.

I have many flaws, and I want to try and label them and put them in order and all at once erase them, but let's face it - no one is perfect and no one can mold out all the imperfections in one night or day, no matter how bad they want to. Not only do I dream and plan big but I raise the bar so high that I can barely see it, let alone reach it. Then, instead of adjusting the bar, I lay down on the concrete and bang my skull into the ground punishing myself for not being good enough, strong enough, brave enough. I just had a moment in time like that, only this time I saw the problem before I started, tried to execute it anyways, asked for help but didn't follow through on it, couldn't pull off what I had wanted and beat myself up anyway. Oh the memories!

Well, I am having yet another moment in time. I have this moment, over and over, day after day, dream after dream, year after year. I promise myself this will be it, no more talk - this time I will finish what I start. Just writing these things brings me to tears.

I long to be healthy, fit, atheltic and graceful. I long to run, TRY sports, hike, rock climb, dance and stand the heat. And I dream most of all, to be ready to start a family. I can see myself being overweight with a husband - shaming as it is and how much I dislike the idea, I can see it happening - but I cannot, will not see myself as a overweight mother. I want a big family, I want to run down the halls WITH my children not after them and I want to always be there for them. And so, I am having another moment, when I look at myself and my life and say, "I want to do this, I need to do this." But that thought is never alone for it has a shadow. "But can I? I mean, can I really do it? I've tried so many times. No one thinks I can, I don't think I can. Why try? Why try again and hurt myself all over."

And then there is the issue of trying too hard, doing too much and burning myself out. And boy do I know how to overdo things until I am ground down into nothing! I feel if I work out an hour each day that won't be enough. I feel as if I need to work out at least three hours a day, maybe five if I am really commited (like they do on the weight loss shows and at weight loss camps) and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will have some results. The facts, my past experiences and doctors (haha, my father too) tell me this is wrong and unhealthy but every fiber of my being says if I don't, then I'm not doing enough.

I don't want this to be one of those moments in time, I want it to be THAT moment in time - that moment where everything changed and I finally had faith that I WAS good enough, WAS strong enough, WAS courageous enough to do it. I want to prove them wrong, I want to prove me wrong, I want my happy ending. I want this dream.

Faithful to my very own "Edward".

Dear "Edward",
I still have yet to meet you. I look everywhere for you, I even try to imagine you in my dreams. It's getting hard to keep my faith, that you exist and are out there. I'm struggling to cope, especially giving up my deck of cards. It's hard to explain to others why you mean so much to me, and why I am waiting for something so unfathomable, but I exist. Some have trouble fathoming me, my good side at least, but they don't understand my disorder, don't understand the rational in the unrational things I do. I wish it was as simple as a game of cards, some sort of cheat sheet that I could print out to explain myself and the erratic things that I deal with inside of me. I feel like an outsider. A reckless astroid spinning out of control in an alien atmosphere trying to steer its way into the pinhole of an alternate reality, a better place that is merely a rip in the grande chaotic scheme of today's society.

It's just like the new TV series that I am already addicted to: Rookie Blue. I just watched the most recent episode and McNally finally nearly hooks up with Swarek, a guy who truely cares about her and has her back always but then she gets a call from the detective who is more concerned about the case and dead corpses than her and she is sucked back into logic. UGH. Just wondering if there is a chance I will ever meet the right guy. I mean in the movies and in series there are good guys who have the backs of other characters, but do they exist outside of the media? Who in my life is watching out for me? I feel like no one really knows me to have my back. I can lie to their faces and they would never call my bluff, cause they dont pay attention, they dont care.

A close friend made a comment that those programs are made up of overly-romantic screen writers and used Twilight as an instance. "OHMAIGOSH, EDWARD IS SO PERFECT". My response was, "I am Edward! I am an over-analytical, over-protective, overly-romatic, overly-dedicated and passionate person who would willingly sacrafice my life for those I love and care about with no hesitation." Thats what is so frusterating, I mean another "Edward" has to exist cause I do, right? . . . Right? *Sighs* I hope so.

I feel like a tiny rubber ball charged with bipolar matter, bouncing back and forth between emotions. I just wish someone would be there for me like I am there for all of my friends. I just wish, someone could know when I was down and hold me, whether I admitted I wanted it or not. Cause I need it.

Behind Closed Doors.

I'm losing it.

I've finally thrown away my deck of cards. Alcohol. Drugs. Perscriptions. Cutting. Burning. Eating. Driving. Spending. Sleeping.

I'm staring in the mirror and I can see the itch in my eyes to find a quick fix. My mind sounds like a broken washing machine, trying to think of a clear healthy way to take the pain that I'm in and process it. Why the pain revolves so easily around this certain person in my life - perhaps because every time we are good, I feel like he replaces me. Over and over again, I am replaceable, I will never be a permanent fixture, I will never be that good. I try to find someone to fill the hole inside me.

A companion. A whore. A 420 friend. A writing buddy. Anyone from Teenchat.com.

I can feel my desperateness seep from myself, from my need to find someone, something, anything. I have no follow-through. I find and I erase. I have standards, I will not lower them or turn my back on my religion, my beliefs. I am worthy of someone better than this, than all of this. Need to be better, need to be someone.

He chose him over me again. Actions scream so much louder than words. They echo, they resonate your devious mindset. You don't care, I am nothing to you, I am a pawn in your game of chess, merely a dedicated soldier willing to lay down my life for you, a life you will use unthinkingly to keep your reign.

Where is my deck of cards? Why did I throw them away? The need to stable myself is too strong to ignore. . . Square One again. Desperate, willing to do anything to numb, ease, or pretend the pain isn't a slow-working-acid that I have poured into a bath and am partaking of first hand.

UGH. I need to find a way to climb out of this vicous cycle. But how?

Grand Schemes and Internal Dialouges.

Depressed.

That happens when I think of the grand scheme of my life. I keep telling myself that I need to just focus on me and love will find me, but I know that is a lie. It's like I am leading a life right now to cope with my past but the life I want to have is not a direct descent of the life I am currently leading. I keep trying to solve my internal loneliness with friends but these friends walk a seperate road that leads to a place I don't want to be. The road I am currently walking, trying to figure out how to be stable but on a different road - one I can see clearly in my dreams and my minds eye, but have yet to come across.

And why does my grand scheme involve love? My center is selfless. I am nothing if not with someone - at least that is how I feel. How am I to know what is my essence and what is the essence of BPD?

It's been awhile since my stomach has been in knots like this. Where I cringe and cough, feeling faint and dizzy, so ready and yet unable to vomit. I can feel the acid inside my stomach churn trying to disolve the heavy rocks that are making me so uneasy. In the mirror, I have lost most of the color of my face and I feel for once how I look. There is always one thing that helps: a bath.

Not an ordinary bath though. Sometimes when I am in a lot of pain I climb into the shower fully dressed - odd, but honest. There is something comforting about not stripping down for relief.

For once, I am eager to strip off the confinements of my everyday living. All my jewels, cloth and materials tossed aside as I try not to double over in pain. The water is hot, much too hot for my liking, but perfect for centering myself. The tub is not nearly half full when I pull the lever up, redirecting the hot hiss of water to the shower-head above. The drizzle is much like the consistency of a warm rain. It sounds and feels like rain and rain is calming.

My body melts into the water, and the water becomes an extension of myself. I can feel the droplets shatter the surface of the water. My body is no longer heavy and weighed down by gravity but instead I am light and weightless. The heat is seeping through me, numbing the internal turmoil that brewed. I press my palms over my ears, gazing upward to the ceiling. The steam is gathering into a white ominous cloud overhead, and it takes more effort to draw in the heavy moist air.

With my hands over my ears, I can only hear my heart beating so I slid my ears beneath the water. I am now centered with my heart beat and my breathing. I can feel myself finding my core, finding solace. I slow my breathes, and I can hear my heart slow. And just as the tub is finally filled, I am done. My anxiety and stomach pains are gone and I am not nessicarily at peace, but thoughtful and content.

As I laid there in the bath I realized that I have a lot of internal dialouge. Things I want to discuss but not just to anyone. A lot of my friends are great, but a lot of them have a way with words. Either they twist them around, lie, gossip or just don't want to hear it. So I don't share. But I wish I had someone I could talk to about anything and everything. And that makes me think of a companion.

Someone I wouldn't have to watch my words around, someone who could keep my secrets and know when I was upset. Someone who cared. Sometimes it feels like no one really cares cause no one asks or tries to understand me. I know each of my friends nearly to a T, and they can confide anything in me and when they seem down I make it a point that I will be there and they can talk to me. Hell, some I even force it out.

But no one knows me well enough to know when something is really bothering me, and if they see a bit of it they usually leave me be instead of trying to help. And then there are the rare moments when they do try to help and I am ashamed and decline their help and they drop it. I'm not one to celebrate myself with a pity party, so of course if you want to throw me one, it's gonna have to be forced on me. Sometimes I want that, need it even. Someone to force me to think about me for once.

But the person I need in my life is walking down a different road, one I have yet to walk myself. In order to find this road I need to burn my deck of coping cards. I don't feel comfortable discussing the faces of these cards, but they are self-destructing kings and queens. A whole society of royals that destroy lives.

Confrontation: Even the Good Kind.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I am continually bombarbed with a long script unrolling inside my mind, the unchecked list of things I should have done in bold-screaming-tones. My pride in my job well done shrinks, shrivels up like a grape in the sun leaving behind a bitter-sweet raisan of what could have been. Should have done that, should have done better, they deserve better, can't believe that happened, I am irresponsible, they will be angry, they will hate me. Shhhhh.

I wish I could rewrite my insides. Sometimes I feel like some of the codes inside me were written backwards. I feel like I am a human trajectary, my body being stretched into a painfully anxious position: every ligament, muscle and bone stressed with tension and stored energy. Any moment I could be a ball of momentum, but instead of a smooth, quick transition I am forced to hold the stress inside myself and wait for the confrontation. I hate waiting. I hate listening to the screaming inside my mind that makes me doubt everything. Sometimes I thinks it makes me less of a person. Unconfident. Untrusting. Faltering.

My counselor advised me to love "all" of me and to stop trying carving out the "bad". How can I love something that makes me so vulnerable? I don't know what else to say - how to answer my question. Is there an answer to every question? or is there an equal and infinate mind-searching delegation?

Innocence.

An interesting concept. . . was watching a movie and a woman randomly starts stripping - she says she is so happy and when she was a child she would go off by herself, strip down to nothing, and dance around to show her love and express her joy - she dances around without a care and I want to suddenly join her. At first I don't think I could be naked without being self-concious, and then I realize, she probably loves her body - maybe by being comfortable in my own skin, I can start to love it as well. So. I've added to my bucket list: learn to love life and my body and to celebrate in solitude by dancing around naked. XD

Innocent Joy.

Makes me want to climb back into bed and force over myself a world of happiness. A world where I am a mother. A world where I am in control and I can be weak and in distress. A world where I don't have to wear a concrete mask molded into a cheery smile. A world where I can be innocent and joyful.

I think I could be a single parent. If I could pull myself together, I would be willing to start a family by myself. I can see myself as a virgin mother with an adopted child and/or foster children. I can see it and I love the way it looks. I wish there was a husband in there, but in all honesty, at this point in my life - I can't realisticly see myself in love. Sad. Pathetic. Honest.

Serene Scenic Drive

Last night was . . . vivid, hysterical, loud, and obnoxiously fun but this morning I was laying in Jesse's bed content to not be able to draw out where the seams of his body and my body met. It's funny how things change. Best Friends to Silence - Internal Turmoil and then a quiet transition back as Friends. The only ones who are surprised at the development are myself and Jesse. We both had our minds set, but the God Divine, apparently had a different path for us, as we both couldn't keep from dreaming of each other! *Laughs* Anyways, this morning was great. We both woke earlier than early (around 5:50 am) and then decided to get some Jamba Juice and take a drive, an hour long drive with no destination and no limitation. It was a beautiful morning, not hot like usual as it rained a bit and I found a sweetness to the time that passed as it was not crowded with busy chatter. Instead we held hands and listened to loud soul-bearing music and that was enough for both of us.