You can always tell when I have a great day because I overuse the XD smiley. XD <--- See, I just auto type it. XD Haha. Does get annoying though. I don't think anyone has been reading my blog but if someone is, Sorry for being so cryptic with my writing. It is not intended to be so, but some of the things I write need to be said, or written I guess I should say, for my sanity and records and here and now is the place. However, I wish not to offend or point fingers, so it comes out. . . well, cryptic. XD So, if you are reading this - I am working on that.
Today was a nice day with my mom for the most part. We went to the mall, more like ran through it with purpose and a time limit, and got me some more pants and bras. I have some personal issues with letting things go. Jess says I'm a lot like a hoarder and I can't disagree with him. I have baskets of clothes, but a lot of them don't fit right, have to be worn with an overshirt, or need sewed or are ripped beyond saving - but I don't want to get rid of any of them. They are all I have. I think that says a lot about me. It's not nessicary something I want anyone to know either but it is a very huge piece of me, and there is no blame, no pointing fingers, it just is.
I keep a mental journal, but I never get around to recording the things in my head. Here lately I've been typing them up in my phone. Today's was: Sometimes I feel like the filler. I am not the "company", I am merely the person, the last resort, who fills in the time in between whatever activity the person I am hanging out with is doing. Sometimes, I am the filler with the ability to do the tasks the person I am hanging out with doesn't want to do. And that hurts my feelings. What is worse, is when there are many people in your life who does this. Then I begin to question, "Is my company enough? Will anyone want to spend time with me and cherish every moment like it is a breathe of fresh air to dying lungs?" I cherish so many moments in my life, to such an extent that I can't put them into words. . . I would die for a stranger, I would die for anyone of my friends. . . I love so much that I love to love - but will anyone ever Love me that much?
My mother always used to say that I have a big heart because I have so much love inside of me. I know this is true. And sometimes it doesn't seem fair. I give and I give and sometimes I am enough but most of the time I am not. Something I struggle with is that fact. That I won't always be enough. I have grand intentions, so grande, so novel and vivid, so spontaneous but they never come to life - they live in the "intentions" realm: the I shoulda, coulda, but didn't junk yard. That breaks my heart. I have yet to realize that the small things, are the things that count, and I am starting to work on that.
This wednesday will be my first offical volunteering day and I am so excited. I've always wanted to volunteer but have been scared to for countless lame reasons. But the here and now has come and good works shall be done.
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