Revelations: Old and New.

Last night I had a headache. . .This morning, I had the worst migrane I've had yet. I was in so much pain I was seeing doubles, and multiple times I nearly threw up because the pain was too much to handle. I climbed into the bathtub, still in my PJs, crying and turned on the shower. Hoping, praying the hot water would help somehow and it did, to an extent. The water seemed to melt the boundaries of my body. I could no longer feel where the water hit me and where I started. It was so enjoyable and yet, as soon as I moved out from the water, the throbbing drums and waves of nausea and pain were back. I slept nearly till 11 am, going to bed around 3 am and waking up at 7 am. At first, I was worried I would have to cancel again on Audrie, but I bit my tongue and prayed the migrane would be on it's way. And it worked! XD
Sherri is not in a good place. I want to help, but I am often at a loss of words. The things I say are dumb. This too will pass. Everyone has a little heart break in their lives. I'm sorry Love, it will get better, promise. How can I promise her things will get better? I can't ensure she will find a man who will honor, love and devout himself to her and her children and only them. So why do I fake hope? Surely, because I am her friend but I hate that shit when I am in her place. I suppose that is why I keep those kinds of things to myself. *Looks around* Who cares? Can anything you say help? No. Can you do anything to ease the pain? No one has yet. But me, I always feel responsible. I feel a need to find some way to ease the pain, to give her hope. I love to help, and I don't mind, but I hate how little control I have over this feeling, this demand for me to jump on a horse and ride to her rescue.

*Plops into bed* That last line reminds me of Greg (the most serious relationship I've had even though it was via internet, roleplaying and webcam). I miss him. Even though he was a candy-coated liar with fancy words, more intelligence than he knew what to do with, and a greedy, selfish man - I still miss him. And I worry and care about him, even to this very day. He always would jump on his horse and ride to the rescue of anyone whom needed him, that is actually how we met. *Buries her face into her hands* But Greg taught me, we can't save them all, just as I couldn't save him. Some don't even want to be saved. . . I do though. I need someone who needs me, someone who will ride to my rescue and I to his. A heart for a heart, a hand for a hand, a life for a life.

I wanted to go to her but I put myself first. I did the things I needed to do and then there was no time to see her. So I called instead and wished I hadn't. Sometimes, the things said in anger, are the things that hurt the most. I told her I was coming over the next day for her Birthday and her response was a sarcastic, "Surrreeee..." I have always been there for her, always. I may have forgot about an appointment or two or needed to cancel our hang out time to finish school work but I've always been there. So it hurts that she responded like that. I try to shake it off, but I'm still hurt. I try and I try, but will I ever be enough?

I put my battery in all by myself. I am so proud of myself and my father said he was too. I can't tell you how much my heart lept with joy when he said so. I don't think he knew I was capable or willing but my freedom means a lot to me. Especially now that I am pushing out the walls of my world to include the things I have only considered from a far and wanted to do but was too scared to do.

UGH. It is 2 am, and I need to be to Sherri's at 8 am, going to go now. But here is my list of things to continue writing about tomorrow. XD

Audrie, Memories, Sherri - Not enough me. Who I want to be, throw my head back and scream: I dont want to be the queen. Want grand things but grand things take more than one person. Birthday coming up. =C