Depressed.
That happens when I think of the grand scheme of my life. I keep telling myself that I need to just focus on me and love will find me, but I know that is a lie. It's like I am leading a life right now to cope with my past but the life I want to have is not a direct descent of the life I am currently leading. I keep trying to solve my internal loneliness with friends but these friends walk a seperate road that leads to a place I don't want to be. The road I am currently walking, trying to figure out how to be stable but on a different road - one I can see clearly in my dreams and my minds eye, but have yet to come across.
And why does my grand scheme involve love? My center is selfless. I am nothing if not with someone - at least that is how I feel. How am I to know what is my essence and what is the essence of BPD?
It's been awhile since my stomach has been in knots like this. Where I cringe and cough, feeling faint and dizzy, so ready and yet unable to vomit. I can feel the acid inside my stomach churn trying to disolve the heavy rocks that are making me so uneasy. In the mirror, I have lost most of the color of my face and I feel for once how I look. There is always one thing that helps: a bath.
Not an ordinary bath though. Sometimes when I am in a lot of pain I climb into the shower fully dressed - odd, but honest. There is something comforting about not stripping down for relief.
For once, I am eager to strip off the confinements of my everyday living. All my jewels, cloth and materials tossed aside as I try not to double over in pain. The water is hot, much too hot for my liking, but perfect for centering myself. The tub is not nearly half full when I pull the lever up, redirecting the hot hiss of water to the shower-head above. The drizzle is much like the consistency of a warm rain. It sounds and feels like rain and rain is calming.
My body melts into the water, and the water becomes an extension of myself. I can feel the droplets shatter the surface of the water. My body is no longer heavy and weighed down by gravity but instead I am light and weightless. The heat is seeping through me, numbing the internal turmoil that brewed. I press my palms over my ears, gazing upward to the ceiling. The steam is gathering into a white ominous cloud overhead, and it takes more effort to draw in the heavy moist air.
With my hands over my ears, I can only hear my heart beating so I slid my ears beneath the water. I am now centered with my heart beat and my breathing. I can feel myself finding my core, finding solace. I slow my breathes, and I can hear my heart slow. And just as the tub is finally filled, I am done. My anxiety and stomach pains are gone and I am not nessicarily at peace, but thoughtful and content.
As I laid there in the bath I realized that I have a lot of internal dialouge. Things I want to discuss but not just to anyone. A lot of my friends are great, but a lot of them have a way with words. Either they twist them around, lie, gossip or just don't want to hear it. So I don't share. But I wish I had someone I could talk to about anything and everything. And that makes me think of a companion.
Someone I wouldn't have to watch my words around, someone who could keep my secrets and know when I was upset. Someone who cared. Sometimes it feels like no one really cares cause no one asks or tries to understand me. I know each of my friends nearly to a T, and they can confide anything in me and when they seem down I make it a point that I will be there and they can talk to me. Hell, some I even force it out.
But no one knows me well enough to know when something is really bothering me, and if they see a bit of it they usually leave me be instead of trying to help. And then there are the rare moments when they do try to help and I am ashamed and decline their help and they drop it. I'm not one to celebrate myself with a pity party, so of course if you want to throw me one, it's gonna have to be forced on me. Sometimes I want that, need it even. Someone to force me to think about me for once.
But the person I need in my life is walking down a different road, one I have yet to walk myself. In order to find this road I need to burn my deck of coping cards. I don't feel comfortable discussing the faces of these cards, but they are self-destructing kings and queens. A whole society of royals that destroy lives.
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