It makes me sick to my stomach. I am continually bombarbed with a long script unrolling inside my mind, the unchecked list of things I should have done in bold-screaming-tones. My pride in my job well done shrinks, shrivels up like a grape in the sun leaving behind a bitter-sweet raisan of what could have been. Should have done that, should have done better, they deserve better, can't believe that happened, I am irresponsible, they will be angry, they will hate me. Shhhhh.
I wish I could rewrite my insides. Sometimes I feel like some of the codes inside me were written backwards. I feel like I am a human trajectary, my body being stretched into a painfully anxious position: every ligament, muscle and bone stressed with tension and stored energy. Any moment I could be a ball of momentum, but instead of a smooth, quick transition I am forced to hold the stress inside myself and wait for the confrontation. I hate waiting. I hate listening to the screaming inside my mind that makes me doubt everything. Sometimes I thinks it makes me less of a person. Unconfident. Untrusting. Faltering.
My counselor advised me to love "all" of me and to stop trying carving out the "bad". How can I love something that makes me so vulnerable? I don't know what else to say - how to answer my question. Is there an answer to every question? or is there an equal and infinate mind-searching delegation?
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