Faithful to my very own "Edward".

Dear "Edward",
I still have yet to meet you. I look everywhere for you, I even try to imagine you in my dreams. It's getting hard to keep my faith, that you exist and are out there. I'm struggling to cope, especially giving up my deck of cards. It's hard to explain to others why you mean so much to me, and why I am waiting for something so unfathomable, but I exist. Some have trouble fathoming me, my good side at least, but they don't understand my disorder, don't understand the rational in the unrational things I do. I wish it was as simple as a game of cards, some sort of cheat sheet that I could print out to explain myself and the erratic things that I deal with inside of me. I feel like an outsider. A reckless astroid spinning out of control in an alien atmosphere trying to steer its way into the pinhole of an alternate reality, a better place that is merely a rip in the grande chaotic scheme of today's society.

It's just like the new TV series that I am already addicted to: Rookie Blue. I just watched the most recent episode and McNally finally nearly hooks up with Swarek, a guy who truely cares about her and has her back always but then she gets a call from the detective who is more concerned about the case and dead corpses than her and she is sucked back into logic. UGH. Just wondering if there is a chance I will ever meet the right guy. I mean in the movies and in series there are good guys who have the backs of other characters, but do they exist outside of the media? Who in my life is watching out for me? I feel like no one really knows me to have my back. I can lie to their faces and they would never call my bluff, cause they dont pay attention, they dont care.

A close friend made a comment that those programs are made up of overly-romantic screen writers and used Twilight as an instance. "OHMAIGOSH, EDWARD IS SO PERFECT". My response was, "I am Edward! I am an over-analytical, over-protective, overly-romatic, overly-dedicated and passionate person who would willingly sacrafice my life for those I love and care about with no hesitation." Thats what is so frusterating, I mean another "Edward" has to exist cause I do, right? . . . Right? *Sighs* I hope so.

I feel like a tiny rubber ball charged with bipolar matter, bouncing back and forth between emotions. I just wish someone would be there for me like I am there for all of my friends. I just wish, someone could know when I was down and hold me, whether I admitted I wanted it or not. Cause I need it.