Moments in Time.

I haven't wrote here in a while - funny, how the neccesity to continually monitor and record your emotional status goes out the window the moment things turn for the better. I've been good - clean, sober, even free from previous dependencies on Jesse and other friends in the same social circle that were as I called them, "backdoors into my past life". Church has brought me more joy that I could record here. It has brought me back to my family, brought my family together as one, and has enlightened me in many ways. I AM happy now, I AM content and I feel now the desire more than ever to improve who I am.

I have many flaws, and I want to try and label them and put them in order and all at once erase them, but let's face it - no one is perfect and no one can mold out all the imperfections in one night or day, no matter how bad they want to. Not only do I dream and plan big but I raise the bar so high that I can barely see it, let alone reach it. Then, instead of adjusting the bar, I lay down on the concrete and bang my skull into the ground punishing myself for not being good enough, strong enough, brave enough. I just had a moment in time like that, only this time I saw the problem before I started, tried to execute it anyways, asked for help but didn't follow through on it, couldn't pull off what I had wanted and beat myself up anyway. Oh the memories!

Well, I am having yet another moment in time. I have this moment, over and over, day after day, dream after dream, year after year. I promise myself this will be it, no more talk - this time I will finish what I start. Just writing these things brings me to tears.

I long to be healthy, fit, atheltic and graceful. I long to run, TRY sports, hike, rock climb, dance and stand the heat. And I dream most of all, to be ready to start a family. I can see myself being overweight with a husband - shaming as it is and how much I dislike the idea, I can see it happening - but I cannot, will not see myself as a overweight mother. I want a big family, I want to run down the halls WITH my children not after them and I want to always be there for them. And so, I am having another moment, when I look at myself and my life and say, "I want to do this, I need to do this." But that thought is never alone for it has a shadow. "But can I? I mean, can I really do it? I've tried so many times. No one thinks I can, I don't think I can. Why try? Why try again and hurt myself all over."

And then there is the issue of trying too hard, doing too much and burning myself out. And boy do I know how to overdo things until I am ground down into nothing! I feel if I work out an hour each day that won't be enough. I feel as if I need to work out at least three hours a day, maybe five if I am really commited (like they do on the weight loss shows and at weight loss camps) and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, I will have some results. The facts, my past experiences and doctors (haha, my father too) tell me this is wrong and unhealthy but every fiber of my being says if I don't, then I'm not doing enough.

I don't want this to be one of those moments in time, I want it to be THAT moment in time - that moment where everything changed and I finally had faith that I WAS good enough, WAS strong enough, WAS courageous enough to do it. I want to prove them wrong, I want to prove me wrong, I want my happy ending. I want this dream.