The Mommy Chronicles.

I'd been asked by one of my best friends if I would watch her two year old girl, Delila and her four year old boy, Cody from Tuesday to Saturday while she went to her daughters graduation (an older daughter from a previous marriage who is living with her father in a different state). I of course agreed as I love her and her darling children.

Her son is probably the hardest of the two as he doesn't talk well (he mumbles under his breathe and can't pronouncate very well) and when I don't do what he is asking me to do or understand him he gets angry and starts screaming, crying and kicking/throwing objects near by (sometimes even his sister). I personally think he has mild autism in addition to his already diagnosed ADHD. Disiplining him is hard, because he can't communicate very well to show me he understands why I reacted like I did and this worries me. . . if he doesn't understand than in his eyes I just randomly go off on a handle.

On one hand, I do not want them to be spoiled and connect that being violent, getting hurt or doing the wrong thing gets them attention but at the same time I don't want to be distant emotionally to them and ignore them when they do need me but where is that line? I grew up in a loving family but through my eyes I was neglected emotionally but I don't nessicarily connect that directly to my parents as the more I pick at myself I come to realize my concept of "love" is different than most. Love to me is constant contact (holding hands, sitting side by side, hugs, etc.) or one on one full on attention. I can be sitting in a room with people and feel alone easily. It is something that is outside of my control which angers me - I want to be able to have some control over my moods. That's understandable - I think.

When I am alone, I feel unloved, empty and desperate for attention. I feel as if I could disappear and no one would notice or care, and that makes it hard on me and those who do love me. How do they show me that they love me without rendering themselves to my irrational measures of "love"? I have only recently explained to my father about why I don't ever feel loved. I think this time he understood. I explained when I am around people I feel happy, content, loved and I become this thriving bubble of energy and laughter and excitement, but as soon as I step out of that room that person shrivels up and dread fills me up. I spend most of my days trying to find companionship. People don't understand and try to help me see that being alone is not horrible, but to me it is. I am not even content to be alone, being alone is like an instant depression for me. Again, this makes me angry because at this point in time, it is still out of my hands.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

My grandmother gave me a serenity bracelet years ago but it is only now that I am starting to comprehend the lesson behind the words. Grrr. My Y key keeps not working and I have to keep going back and putting in the Y's. *Laughs* You wanted to know that, right? XD

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So, the reason this post is called, "The Mommy Chronicles" is because of these tiny thoughts I kept having throughout my days watching my best friend's children, and here they are:

Sometimes childrens' shoes are alot like childrens' faces: just take a wet wipe to them and they will be like new!

There are solemon moments a mother gets to herself: after the children have gone to bed and been heavily dosed with the Sandman's sleeping dust (both have to occur in order for her to have alone time, and sometimes the latter is after my own bedtime so if you see the Sandman, let him know I am looking for him! XD) or when she showers, in which case she locks the door, blasts the radio and pretends she doesn't hear objects crashing downstairs, a child body slamming the bathroom door and her name being whined like a broken record.

Being a mommy, is being completely selfless, patient and devouted, which is also known as getting two more rounds of toast while some of your food burns while the other get's cold and soggy, getting up to get drinks after you just sat down with your food, watching cartoons and disney most of the day or a movie on repeat for an entire day or laying in the child's bed and rubbing their back until they fall asleep.

Being a mommy is freakin' hard, but each moment is so sweet and simple. When I stop and think of it, the children are primal, they cry because they feel imbalanced emotionally, the act on their anger for not being able to communicate with me, they cling to me for warmth and love and they find ways to show me that they understand me, love me and are trying to obey me - that's all I need. I love them so much. I hope my mommy days are soon.