Anger

I've recently begun uncoding the anger inside of me. It astonishes me at times just how angry I become and for what silly reasons. I usually am a laid back character but the more I dig into myself to understand what has laid dormant for years, the more I realize how unresolved I am. Just now, my computer won't let me edit my own pictures - I am admin, I am the user and it pisses me off that I can't edit them. I tried saving them in paint, using a different editor, etc and I cannot edit them. I want to throw my laptop and scream. Very unusual for me. What is even more unfamiliar is how strong the pull of that emotion is. I imagine it is much like the lure of a Siren's song to a sailor. *Smiles* I withstand it on instinct, but everything in me wants to give myself over to it. . . especially if it means relief.

I am angry because I can't paint my fingernails and not smear it. I am angry because everyone keeps saying they want to hang out with me and then ditch me. I am angry because my computer won't let me edit those damn pictures. I am angry because my computer is slow and frequently has to reboot programs. I am angry because the children I am watching can't communicate with me and I don't understand what they need. I am angry because I am not good enough.

I see others around me at these high points in their life: successful, loved, well-established. And where am I? I have a to do list longer than 10 pages, a wish list that's even longer and to my name I hold no achievements, degrees, or rewards. *Sighs* And this was my attempt at a "happy go-lucky" blog. Maybe I should change my goal with this blog. A release, a defining, a regulation of myself - that is what is to be expected from now on.